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May 12, 2016It seems I’ve reached that age and I’m now officially in the minority of women without children.
This Friday I will turn 37 years old.
When I started this blog I was about to turn 29. That’s 8 years as a blogger that’s seen me go from late 20s/early 30s, to 3 years off my 40th birthday. I’m in a whole new tick box on forms now than when I started.
I’ve always received a lot of random emails as a blogger. That exciting day when I got sent an email about a new “hands free purse” that you could wear when clubbing that was basically some kind of cod piece with a zip on it, the “women” who are obviously men who email me asking if I could just send them some photos of me wearing just my tights so they can check they will fit right for their body and the many, many requests from people who love my blog, especially that last “insert post name” one, and want to write a guest post on car maintenance that my readers will LOVE.
Recently, though, I’ve started to receive a few emails asking me to review children’s toys, or publish infographics about nappies, or write a sponsored post about children’s clothes. I’ve never had them before, and I can only assume that at some point over the last couple of years the fact that I am in my 30s has started to see me added to a list called “Mommy bloggers”.
So, let’s get this out there right now. I don’t have children and I don’t want children.
I don’t hate children. My Sister has 2 lovely boys, I like to visit them. Several of my friends have children that I like to visit. I’ve just never had a burning urge to look after one of my own.
When I was about 9 or 10 I was asked to write a piece at school about where I saw myself in 10 years time. I thought I was going to be a Nurse and have, if I remember correctly, 7 children (all named after characters in Little Women and Little Men, because those were the last books I read) I was obviously very optimistic about what I was going to fit in by the time I was 20. My desire to go into Nursing was also largely influenced by a book I’d read, and it took me 10 years to realise it wasn’t all capes, hats and flirting with dishy Doctors and return to my original plan that I was going to be a writer.
It took me considerably less time to back out of the 7 children plan, and by my early teens I was fairly sure I didn’t want to have children.
For 20 years people who know me well, and people who’ve never met me before in their entire lives, have met this with varying levels of shock and disbelief.
My ability to know my own mind has been doubted, whether I will ever feel like a “proper” woman has been questioned, my ability to genuinely feel emotion has been dismissed and I’ve been issued with dire warnings about how much I’ll regret it once my “biological clock” starts ticking and it’s too late for me to fulfilled as a human being.
I’ve never been particularly offended by any of this, but I do find it interesting that it’s the only aspect of my life I’m asked to defend and question, and I’m very aware of how upsetting and intrusive those questions would be if my childlessness wasn’t by choice. I’m also aware that this seems to be the default line of questioning for women without children.
The fact is, seeing as I’m in a sharing mood, that I’ve just never seen children as part of my life. When I imagine myself 10 years in the future I don’t see myself taking a 10-year-old to school. I don’t even imagine myself in 40 years surrounded by grandchildren. I guess I’ve just always thought of a life-long commitment to raise another human being as something I should do on purpose, with desire, forethought and planning, rather than just because it was what was expected of me.
Turns out that whole Biological Clock thing is nonsense anyway.
It was basically invented in the 70s to scare women without children into reversing the declining birth rate, and is a whole load of sexist rubbish. Apparently women don’t come with an inbuilt hormonal time bomb (that men have cleverly avoided due to their superior genetics). For 20 years people have made me doubt my ability to make my life choices based on an idea that somehow my hormones would one day rise up and make me sorry I’d never reproduced, but it turns out women might just be as capable as men of making decisions for themselves.
Interestingly, just as I reached this point in this (probably excessively long) post, another post on Motherhood popped up in my Facebook feed. It seems that many women do regret and resent motherhood. Frankly, if I were to sit down and think about it, like I am right now, the thought that I might have children and then regret it, even if I loved them, terrifies me a lot more than the idea that I might get to 70 and wonder whether I made the right choice not to have children.
As a woman in my mid 30s the pressure to have children is both very subtle, but everywhere. I am in a minority (albeit a growing one) and there are few publications or activities aimed at my age group that don’t include the assumption that you have children. The assumption that you must already have children, or are planning to have them soon, lurks, mostly unsaid, at the back of conversations, and there are unasked questions that hang in the air when you say you don’t have children.
I like my life right now. I like spending the afternoon drinking Pimms on the common with my husband, I like playing Roller Derby, I like spending whole weekends binge watching Netflix, I like going to the gym, not getting up early in the mornings and being able to spend my money on frivolous things and knowing that the only person I’m letting down if I then can’t afford to buy any milk for 2 days is myself.
Of all the things I might regret in my life; not setting up a proper pension 10 years ago, not visiting the Grand Canyon when I had the chance, not buying those gingham peep-toe shoes or taking out that stupid loan when I graduated and then spending it all on pizza and beer, for instance; not having children is the only one that it seems worthy of concern from others, often very well-meaning.
I honestly have never questioned the decision of anyone I know to start a family, though I have been continually surprised by how desperate some people have seemed to make me question my decision not to. I am also constantly surprised by the vitriol thrown by both men and women at women (and it’s only women) who chose to remain childless.
I could rattle on forever about this, but at over 1300 words already, I’ve probably outstayed my welcome! Not choosing to have children doesn’t make me less of a woman, selfish, uncaring or bitter. Like all my decisions, I make them based on how I feel, what I know, and what I want right now.
I’d love to live in a world where having children wasn’t viewed as the “default mode” that must come with a reason if you don’t, where people didn’t feel they needed to demand women explain themselves if they chose not to, and women could expect their fulfillment in life to be based on something other than their ability to reproduce.
In the mean time I’ll settle for not constantly feeling like I have to provide reasons for my life choices, and maybe not getting any more emails about nappies just because I’m in my 30s, but I think even that might be a step too far.
58 Comments
Well said! Being 10 year’s older than you I can honestly say I have never regretted my decision not to become a parent. Enjoy life! Your life your way x
I read your blog all the time (and love it!!), although am one of those terrible people that never comments 🙂 This topic however compels me to express my solidarity. My partner and I also have no desire for children in our lives, and I am constantly amazed that this gives the general populace the right to comment on this. As you rightly say, how upsetting these interjections would be if it was not our choice…my lovely sister (about to pop with number 5!) likens it to the number of people, strangers or otherwise, who put their hands on her pregnant belly 🙂
I just remind myself that I am lucky to live in a world where the choice is mine, and hope that in the years to come, more women will feel comfortable choosing this life, without fear of retribution from friends and strangers alike.
I’ve also dropped my previous slightly-embarrassed silence on the matter in favour of my partner’s stock response: “Oh no, we can’t have kids…the cat is allergic.”
You’re not terrible, I don’t comment much on blogs myself, I’m awful, I just don’t know what to say! Nice to have you though!
I love the “cat is allergic” response. Unfortunately I’m allergic to cats, so that doesn’t work for me!
So refreshing to read! As a fellow thirty something, non mother, I know just how you feel and yes the nappy adverts get boring very quickly… Thank you for articulating so well my own experience 🙂
I’m 46 and decided at 15 years old that I never wanted children. I have never regretted that decision as I don’t really like children and my husband and I can do what we like without worrying about pesky brats 😀 People don’t tend to say much to me about it as my reply to “have you any children”? is “no, I can’t stand the little beasts”. That tends to bring the discussion to a swift conclusion. My husband doesn’t care and my family don’t care (my younger sister has made the same decision) so what anyone else thinks is of no interest to me. We’re overpopulated anyway and I think of myself as offsetting the people who have 4 or more children. We all need to stop being so polite and British sometimes and telling people who question our life choices to mind their own business when they make intrusive remarks. Oh, and happy birthday for Friday!
Hi, I totally agree with all this. I’m 42 and still don’t want any children and with every year that passes I feel more comfortable and happy with that decision. It’s bad that you feel so much pressure, I’ve had that and for me, it’s got much better as I’ve got older. I think people generally assume its a bit late now so don’t bother asking. I’ve thought a lot about why it bothers people so much and I think people with children simply cannot and don’t want to imagine their life without them. In the same way some people yearn for kids I’ve always been quite certain I didn’t want any and I’m lucky that my partner is the same. Like you, we have an amazing life having adventures that I wouldn’t change for anything. Thanks for your post, it’s beautifully and eloquently expressed. I really enjoy your blog, it’s great! X
Thank you!
I think I’m on the last ditch now! A few more years and people will stop asking. Though they’ll still assume I already have them of course!
Thanks for sharing this. I’m the oldest of five children and after pretty much having to take care of them lots, plus watching the majority of my parents arguments relate back to us “kids” , I realized early on motherhood isn’t for me. I have trouble taking care of myself and I consistently worry about my husband, I don’t think I could handle being responsible for another small human life.
It’s good to know that we all don’t have to follow cookie cutter idea of how we should live our lives. Thanks again for encourage me and the rest of the your readers, to go out and live the life we deem fit 😉
As a follower of your blog who doesn’t usually post comments, I feel compelled to say ” well said !” My daughter is in her early 30’s and feels very much the same ,but is constantly upset by comments and subtle and obvious pressure to join the vast majority of her peers to procreate. She is a beautiful person and her worth is not justified by having children . How nice it would be if people could accept a decision about not having children for what ever reason, without the judgemental and prejudiced smallmindedness. Be proud of your decision and don’t feel you have to justify it to anyone !
Welcome to the world of commenting! Thank you. It’s a weird thing, it’s not like anyone gets cross, but sometimes people offer “concern” in quiet moments!
Got taken out for lunch last week by a supplier, one male and one female. One female colleague with me. All 3 women absolutely resolute that they were not interested in having children. The man at the table on the defensive. Thought that was an unusual dynamic. Agree with you wholeheartedly Gem. Happy bday! Xx
Yes! I’m finding that more as well! Interesting….
And thank you! 😀
Oh yes, the guys can be worse than the women sometimes! I always reply “No uterus, no opinion”! A line Rachel used in Friends once, always stuck with me. lol
Firstly let me wish you an early happy birthday! We’re the same age, I celebrated my birthday on the weekend. Someone actually followed a ‘happy birthday’ message to me with a ‘time is running out’ note to hurry up and have kids!! I thought that was awfully insensitive. Maybe I have been trying, maybe I don’t want them. Either way, ain’t nobody’s business but mine! Great post. I too seem to have made some mommy blogger lists, gah!! Xx
Ha! If I get any of those they’ll be off my list 😉
Not here to comment on your choice each to their own etc etc etc….however I would be interested to learn more about your source re ticking biological clock. I work in the area of fertility and did think I had my finger on the pulse of the latest research
It’s something I read in a Guardian article, it’s linked in the post. The essay is adapted from a book due out next week called Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating by Moira Weigel
Thank you!!! My first marriage was very much about the now you’re married have a kid lifestyle. For me that was a huge reason to prolong it as long as possible, + there were other reasons why we did not have any children. That pressure from the family eventually helped to break the marriage, it was just too much pressure on both of us.
I don’t think enough people realize that. I know life doesn’t stop when you have kids, but there was so much I wanted to do before I had a kid. And yes to many of “family & friends” that made me selfish… I think the fact that a lot of people judge you as being selfish for not having a kid is worse than even asking why you don’t have them. There could be medical reasons for not having one, there could be financial reasons or it could just be because you think you would not be a good parent. I don’t find those or many other reasons given as selfishness, I think those who have made the decision based on their lifestyles are the smart & selfless….
I am now married to a guy who knows his life is beautiful without children and the fact that I have a niece and nephew in my life and they fulfill my need to be their Crazy Auntie Mame!! Makes our lives better.
Having kids does not define you, it took me a long a time to realize this, and to understand that altho it may seem at times I am alone in that thinking, it’s nice to see that I actually am not.
Ah, yes, the “selfish” argument!
I never really understood that, seeing as the main reasons I’ve been given for having children include making sure you feel fulfilled as a Woman, and having someone to look after you in your old age. Not exactly selfless reasons 😉
It’s depressing you even have to write this post… If my daughters (10 & 8) decide they don’t want children in the future I hope they’ll never have to justify it to anyone…
Absolutely resolutely completely agree with you. I’m 46 and sorry to say if my experience is anything to go by, you’ve at least another 9 years of other people’s intrusive, abrasive and downright abusive questions to endure!
I hear you loud and clear. As a woman about to turn 50 who also made the choice not to have children I have heard it all over and over again.
People making assumptions about me is what I really dislike.
Some people choose to contribute to the world in different ways other than reproducing. It’s not selfish. Knowing what you want or don’t want in this world is akin to winning the lottery.
Loved this honest post!
bisous
Suzanne
I wish more people thought so deeply before having children. I work in primary education and it astounds me how many people have children then seem to pay little attention to them or live life as though they didn’t have have them! Not that I am say
You would be like that at all. I just think that actually society puts so much pressure on women to have children that maybe many have children because it is expected of them rather than because they actually desperately want to be a parent. l hear people say that they wouldn’t have a dog because they don’t have the time to devote to them however few seem to put as much thought into the life long commitment of having a child. I think every woman should feel free to make choices free from any judgment. Xx
I’m glad you’ve posted this! At the age of 25 most of my peers have children or are thinking about it, I’m not and ever since I was 11 I decided I didn’t want children. I’ve always been met with ‘ you’ll change your mind as you grow up’ or ‘But don’t you want someone to carry on your legacy?’ No carrying on my legacy would be something like me doing a humanitarian movement and then people following later on in life not children. I hate if you don’t have children you’re not fulfilling a made up purpose plus if I ever did get the urge there are thousands of children without homes that need adopting. I’d rather do that!
So agreed! Glad to hear you say it. I’m fortunate enough that I don’t often get asked if we plan to have children, I think probably because being queer it’s obvious it’s going to take a whole lot more effort and/or money to adopt or have a child. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the societal pressures that shouldn’t exist in the first place, as you pointed out.
I wanted kids when I was younger but I’m pretty sure it was just because it was the “default” thing you are expected to want. As I got older (just turned 39) I realized the most compelling reasons to have kids that I could come up with were to have cute tiny humans to dress up adorably (ummm obviously not really a good reason, fun as it would be), and to have someone around to care for me when I’m old… and there is absolutely NO guarantee that having kids *will* mean you’ll have anyone around to care for you, anyway, so that’s a pretty stupid reason to do it. I like my life the way it is, I love being an aunt to my spouse’s sisters’ 5 kids, and I don’t at all think I’m selfish for not raising kids myself. In fact it takes a lot more thought, assessment and quite frankly sometimes guts to decide not to do what society expects of you!
You know, this is a wonderful post. And I say that as a mother. My son is 18 months and I often miss my old life. No one is really prepared for motherhood and I think it’s all the more harder when you’re in your 30s and have established your life (independence and all that). Motherhood and birth has changed me irreversibly – and I moan about it and write about it (there is actually a poem about giving birth on my blog). But my son is amazing. When I look at him I can’t believe I grew him in my body – that I could be capable of something so spectacular astonishes me every day. And yet I know I’ll never have another baby because I couldn’t go through it again. I completely get why you wouldn’t want to do it in the first place. As it is for us, we don’t do everything we did before like nights out and marathon telly sessions, but we do do what’s most important to us and that’s travel. Despite being at work full time we’ve still been abroad 4 times in his first 18 months and we have 2 more trips booked. Motherhood isn’t what I expected. But I’ll never regret it. I’ll also never ask another woman when she’s having kids. It’s not the path for everyone and like you say, that’s absolutely fine.
That’s wonderful! Obviously it will be life changing, but traveling is amazing! I wish I could do more and I don’t even have children.
It’s different for everyone, and I think that’s the key, is that everyone wants to know all the WHYS, but we should just accept that everyone’s journey is different!
Yay! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Having or not having, or trying to have children IS A CHOICE!
When people feel compelled to ask me why I don’t have children I now say, “It just didn’t work out for us.” It stops them in their tracks and I hope that they feel some shame for going where it’s none of their business!
Sure I could finish the sentence and say “…because we chose not to have any,” but that would ruin the small amount of satisfaction I get from watching them squirm. Mean? Probably. Deserved? Hell yeah.
I too am turning 37 this year. It still amazes me that people are so insensitive (normally quite innocently) about the issue of having children. I have always wanted children and just didn’t find the right person to have them with until 4 years ago. For about the last 3 years now we have been trying to get pregnant and we are now undergoing treatment. True friends are aware of the situation. But I am regularly asked by ‘2nd tier’ friends or acquaintances ‘you’ll be having a baby soon’ or ‘tick tock’. I have to quell the tightening in my womb and just smile and say ‘maybe one day’.
Maybe we release a pheromone at our age that invites people to question our family plans?!?
<3
Thank you! You just put in words my own thoughts. Anyway, you never know. My mother was 41 years old when I came out screaming…
Very well said! I could not agree more!
I have had people pity me when I said I hadn’t got any children and then ask if it was because I couldn’t have them. Talk about a personal question!
I think people would prefer me to say I was barren and desperate to have kids rather than my honest answer that I have never wanted any! I like having a nice, clean, snot and tantrum free house. I love my nieces and my friends’ kids but not full time thanks.
We should not feel the need to explain ourselves. The more I am asked, the more I wrinkle up my nose and say, “Oh good grief, no!”. That stops them dead in their tracks!
Agree the best kids for my lifestyle are the ones that I can give back…. 😉
It is so wonderful to read about other women who do not want children. I am questioned about not wanting children on a regular basis and I have run out of things to say. People are astounded that I couldn’t possibly want children and remind me regularly that I will regret my decision. I have a gorgeous niece and nephew that I love dearly and I recently took them to America for a holiday, this was partly because I adore them and love to spend time with them and partly to accumulate gin points (gin points are points that are accumulated for each good deed I do as an Auntie. Once I am in a nursing home I can ‘spend’ the points on bottles of gin that my niece and nephew will smuggle into the home).
I am SO glad that there are other people out there who don’t want children (as opposed to people who want them and can’t have them). I will be celebrating 40 years of Anna in December and I do get fed up of people asking why I don’t have children and telling me that I will want them when I meet the right man. I decided a long time ago that I’d rather be the stereotyped cat lady and I still feel that way now. I adore my niece (and no, I didn’t get broody when she was born) but it has proved to me that I really am better off as Auntie Nanna rather than Mummy.
If children came with an off switch and a storage box I might rethink my options ?
Over here, we still have the idea that complete female happiness can only be achieved through motherhood; and it’s being set in kid’s minds as early as possible.
Not everyone is a mother-material.
Not every woman has that “feeling” – it’s not true that Nature makes us “mothers to be”
Sadly, once I state this – all hope is gone for me to get married. “Don’t want NO children?! Get going, you evil monster! What kind of a female does not want to give birth and raise a child?!” THIS kind. 🙂
..and, many, many cases like this have happened, because I “refuse to let go of my silly ways”. I have also been told I will “wake up and it’ll be too late” for me to reproduce. And the good old accusation of no man will ever want me since I’m “damaged in my head” (whatever that is). 🙂
Society, over here, is not yet ready to accept that SOME women know they are not ever going to have children, since SOME of us know we’re not “mother-material”. It’s just a matter of sucking up and moving on with our own ways.
GREAT post!
This could have been written by me, although it would be less elegant if I’d penned it. Great post.
You can add me to the list of ‘no kids, no regrets’ respondents.
I’ve hit the weird point where people just assume I have them; I was trying to find some money in my purse in a shop and someone said, “Perhaps the kids have taken it.” Nope, the cats don’t go to the shops, as they can’t cross the road and they’re not tall enough to push a trolley!
Great post! The world would be better if people understood that there are different ways to live a life and that happiness is individual.
For many years, I didn’t want children either and was so annoyed when people kept asking. Or said things like ‘that’ll change when you meet the right person’ – while I was in a relationship! When I was about 33 or 34 I changed my mind. I’d been with my boyfriend for 7 years, so it wasn’t about meeting the right one, it was about deciding what I wanted in my life. We had problems getting pregnant, and all the questions from complete strangers became extremely painful.
Now we have a gorgeous baby, and people have started asking if we want one more – and move out of the city and get a nice house etc etc. It just never stops 😀
I’ve known from a very early age that I didn’t want kids. Growing up I always questioned why I had to get married and have 2.4 children and was always told because that’s what people do. But I wanted a career and I knew that if I had a child I would want to put my all into raising them, just like my mum did. I would want to be a stay at home mum, make food from scratch and take them to every event or club they wanted to go to. But if I did that I couldn’t have a full time career, so I chose not to have kids and I don’t regret it for a second. At 42 people have started to back off, as if they think my biological clock has stopped ticking and maybe the subject is just a bit too touchy now because, you know, I must regret my selfish decision to chose career over a family and they wouldn’t want to upset me!
Preach! Though I’m not even in a place where I could have them, kids just don’t hold any appeal for me – and people are so rude. It’s been implied that there’s something defective with me, or that I’m selfish, or any number of things that blame me and ignore all my male friends, who aren’t even asked.
The pressure on women to go through pregnancy and labour – which has a 10% risk of serious complications (higher than we tolerate for most other medical procedures) – to have a family they don’t particularly want, affecting their career and wellbeing is ridiculous. Why are total strangers so invested anyway? I would just continue being you, and call out people when they’re being so impolite.
Hi, I feel pretty similar, but from a different angle. Me and my husband would like a baby but we haven’t been able to and we’ve been referred for IVF treatment – we’re considering it, but we’ll only get one chance on the NHS and it’s a difficult thing to go through, so it’s a big decision to make. But like you, I’m also fed up of those lurking questions and assumptions, and sometimes, downright rudeness – from colleagues, friends, family, the media… I’m also sad that conversations and happenings are so often based around people’s children and seem exclusive – which makes it harder to keep friendships going and make new ones (I’ve recently moved to a different part of the country).
This is a fantastic post. I’m 34 and without children, with no plans to have any. All of my close friends have children. I’m asked almost daily when I might think of having children, and met with confusion when I say I’m not. I’m married, but I’ve invested so much of me into my career, I’m not convinced I could dedicate enough of me to a child. It wouldn’t be fair. Maybe that view will change but, here and now, that’s where I am… And that’s ok!
Great post dear!
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I read your blog and never comment but had to on this! I just turned 38 and am resolutely child free. Im a fairly maternal person, or caring person at least, I teach teenagers with intellectual disabilities and my husband and I have 5 dogs and 4 cats, but I have never had any desire for children. Im happy with my life as it is and dont want to upset the apple cart. My only concern is as I have no close family outside my husband and Im shy without tons of friends Id be alone if something happened to him but thats no reason to have a child. I rarely get asked anymore as Im getting older and Ivve been married for 15 years but in my early 30s I was asked daily! Its great to hear from other women like me
I’m 34 years old and don’t have any children. I thought as the years rolled on I would suddenly feel broody and want kids, but it hasn’t happened. Like you I just can’t see myself being responsible for another little person; I have a very busy and full life and I don’t feel like I’ve missed out. I have nieces and a nephew I can spoil instead. I have the greatest respect for those who do have children – that’s what makes the world go round after all – but it just isn’t for me.
I’ve never understood why people think they can ask those kinds of personal questions. I have a 4-year-old and the first thing people say when they find out I have a kid is to ask when we’re having more. Um, we’re not. When I say that, they always seem surprised and vaguely disturbed by it and always assure me I’ll change my mind, as if having an only child is a cruel punishment we’re inflicting on our son. Um, no it’s not, and no, we’re not having any more. I adore my son, but pregnancy was horrible and I’m never ever dealing with a newborn again. And he’s a totally happy, content kid who’s really good at entertaining himself or playing with us. We’ve just gotten into a good groove with our lives as a 3-person family and I’m not upsetting that again. That’s why I never ask people about if/when/how many kids they want. It’s none of your business!
A very good read indeed. It totally struck a chord with me. I never wanted children either. I’m now in my 50s and have never regretted it. Good for you to speak out on behalf of all of us ladies who are childless by choice! xxx
I feel exactly the same but fortunately can say that I’ve only once encountered a negative comment and that was this year. I’m 39 and love my life with my boyfriend and my friends. I am proud to say I have two beautiful God-Children and lots of other lovely children around me.
Motherhood is not something that every woman craves and if I forced myself to act differently it wouldn’t be fair to anyone.
Great post! I personally do really want to have kids (hopefully soon!) but I really don’t understand the obsession with procreating. It’s like people these days people see giving birth to a child as some sort of right they have rather than a choice or a privilege – sometimes it’s more about themselves than the actual child, so it’s crazy to suggest that someone who doesn’t want one is selfish!! There are so many children in the world already that don’t have loving homes or parents, why on earth do people think everyone needs to have one just to add to that problem?? It’s so unlikely you’re going to regret not having something you never thought you wanted – and even you did feel a pang of regret later on in life, there are so many other ways a woman can fulfil that need to care for and nurture something without spawning a child! Adopt, foster, do charity work, volunteer, start gardening, get a dog….! Good on you for knowing what you want and not letting people define you by your childlessness!
Totally respect your desire to not have children. It’s a shame that it’s seen so much as part of a woman’s destiny in life. I think if more people actually considered whether it was really a good choice for them the world would be a much better place. With less unhappy adults and children.
I need to correct you on one point though. Women do have a biological clock and while it is possible for a pre menopausal women to get pregnant at any time in her fertile life. The chances of it happening and being a viable pregnancy certainly lessen with age but if you know you don’t want to have kids it doesn’t matter so it’s kind of irrelevant.
Bit late on reading and replying to this but I too have never ever wanted kids and have never for one moment regretted that choice. When Himself and I got serious I told him straight off no kids so if you want them walk away now because I won’t change my mind on that. I have been called all sorts of things over the years, ‘unnatural’ being the most memorable, and told how I would change my mind when the clock started ticking but I never did.
The thing that pisses me off the most is some people immediatly assume I hate kids, I don’t, as it goes I have 2 nephews, a niece and 5 god children who I absolutely adore but even they don’t make me want my own.
WOW! I’ve read this post twice and I just had to reply!
I am 35 now and from childhood till now, I’ve never had the urge to start a family.
I’ve got two brothers and they both have 2 children! I love them very much and that feeling is mutual, they visit me very frequently. Recently my sister-in-law, who knows me very well, gave birth to a beautiful daughter. The first thing she said to me was “don’t you have the urge now to have a cute baby like this”, that question annoyed me A LOT, especially since she knows how I think about having children, maybe it’s hormonal, so I forgave her, but the very next moment her husband asked me the same question. Sigh!
I’m always happy for the pregnant friends among us, but I’m also scared of getting the same stupid questions all over again and again and again.
I’m even afraid of having fun with their kids, because I can read their mind, they all think “wow she’s so good with them, why doens’t she start a family?” I’m also a good cook, that doesn’t mean I have to start a restaurant 😉
When we just moved here and get to know the neighbours, I even had a comment from a guy, when my husband said to him “no, I don’t wanna have children, I hate them” (he just said that for fun), the guy immediatly turned to me and said “ow I thought it was her fault you don’t have children”. At that point I was offended, now I think he’s just stupid and doesn’t know me at ALL.
It’s not like we are doubting their decisions! But I always have to give a answer about the why we don’t have any children, but in their case, I don’t have a proper answer, they don’t want to hear my truth.
As I come to think about it, why do they even ask, if they already have an opinion about it, some people don’t even listen.
And you know, some people are just stupid, the questions never stop. Even if you have children, then they get the questions “so when are you having grandchildren?”. Or if they just gave birth “so when are you having a second one?”. It just never stops. It starts at a very young age, you always have to defend yourself about your decisions, about being who you are.
First it’s the “so when are you havin’ a boyfriend?” question, then “so when are you getting married”, then “so when are you having children”. It just never stops!
Good thing I’m not like that, I just let it be. Let people do what they wanna do.
Thank you for this post! It feels so good to know I’m not alone.
I just hate the feeling they give to women who decided not to have children. Especially women to ‘people like us’. Women should stick together, not offend each other!
Love this blog post! I’m only 27 and I have no idea if I want children at all, and that’s ok!
It boggles my mind how our society thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to delve into a person’s reasons to reproduce or not! It’s that person’s choice,
Even some of our closest friends have joked about myself and my partner – “Ahh well they hate kids and don’t want them anyway”… The fact is we don’t hate kids it’s just not a priority for us. How about people stop putting us in one category or another and let us live our lives!
When I politely declined holding a friend of a friend’s baby I was told – “Oh don’t worry, we were just seeing if you had an maternal instincts! You still don’t then!” (Yep! that happened!)
I can honestly say that if I feel the same way about kids as I do right now, then no I will not being having a baby! But I reserve the right to change my mind if I want too, stop sticking your noses in!
Hey, I’m 42 in a couple of weeks and I’m childfree. I’m also single at the moment. I don’t regret not having had children, and I have a multitude of reasons for not having them that I won’t bore you with now. The questions generally come from people who are either sheep who followed the herd and didn’t realise they could go their own way, or people bitter and resentful that you made your own choices and possibly wishing deep down that they’d done the same as you! If you’re happy and content with your life, you don’t need to fire a barrage of intrusive questions at someone who chose a different path. Keep your head up and enjoy your life! Ignore the haters.
I’m another woman who just turned 30 and feel stronger about not wanting children than ever before. I think I realised it when I was 16, but I told people I might change my mind when I got older because they seemed so shocked. I used to worry that my husband would get the urge to have children but luckily he also still feels the same way. His doctor told him 24 was too young to get a vasectomy and asked him what would happen if he gets married and his wife wants children. The strangest thing I’ve heard is that we’re being selfish. There are no kids to be selfish toward! Why should we have kids we don’t want? How would that be fair to them?
At 38 years old, I wholeheartedly concur with what you have written here. My response to people who enquire as to if I have any children is “No. Me and my husband like our lives how they are”. Like you express, I like the freedom of being able to make my own choices for myself.
I don’t dislike children at all; I am a secondary school teacher and I look after and care for everyone else’s children every day. However, I have never felt any maternal instincts whatsoever. For me having my own children would get in the way of me having the career that I so love which is where my fulfilment in life comes from.
Thank you for such a well written and well expressed piece.
Interesting article. I too once didn’t want children and got fed up of people asking but this changed in my late 30s! Thing is you will never know what it’s like to have children until you experience it yourself – there simply is no way of knowing, that is why a lot of people with children ask those without that annoying question – I find myself doing it too! Being a teacher or having godchildren will not even give you an idea of what it’s like to have your own because it is so unique to each person. There are times I miss my old life of travelling and partying and my old figure too. I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason that people ask this question is because they love the experience of having children and want others to have that experience too and not miss out!
Some people don’t want the experience tho. And when you have said that for years, there comes a time when others need to respect your decision not to have the same wants as you. Life with or without children is unique for everybody. I’m sorry but having a child doesn’t make any of my life experiences less unique than those who do have them.
I know many children who grew up being resented because mom & dad where surprised with a pregnancy and resented them from day 1. I don’t wish that on anyone especially a child. Saying I don’t want to be a parent can be a good thing for many folks.